Grief is one of the most universal human experiences — and one of the most lonely. Part of what makes it so isolating is that we often do not recognize our own grief until someone else names it for us. And for many kinds of loss, no one does.
Grief That Does Not Get Named
Psychologists use the term disenfranchised grief to describe losses that are not openly acknowledged or publicly mourned — losses that society does not always recognize as “real” grief. These can include:
- The end of a friendship
- A miscarriage or pregnancy loss
- Leaving a job or career that defined you
- Losing a pet
- The loss of a relationship with someone who was abusive — grieving the person you wished they had been
- Losing your sense of who you were before an illness, accident, or major life change
- Grieving the life you thought you would have
None of these fit neatly into the social scripts we have for grief. And because there is often no ritual, no time off work, and no one bringing casseroles, many people move through these losses without ever allowing themselves to actually feel them.
The Problem With Unacknowledged Grief
When grief does not get to move through us, it tends to get stuck. It can show up later as anxiety, depression, irritability, numbness, or a general sense of heaviness that feels hard to explain. Many people arrive at therapy years after a loss — not connecting their current struggles to something they were never given permission to grieve.
Your Grief Is Valid
One of the most important things therapy can offer is a space where your loss is taken seriously — where someone says, yes, that was real, and it makes sense that it hurt. Grief does not require someone to have died. It does not require the loss to be visible to others. It only requires that something mattered to you, and now it is gone.
If you’re carrying something heavy and not sure what to call it, that’s okay. We can figure that out together. Madeleine Sullivan offers counselling in Victoria, BC and online throughout British Columbia. Book a free 30-minute consultation — I’m here whenever you’re ready.